you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
