Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
