i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
