It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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