What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
