we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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