I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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