You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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