i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
