brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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