It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
