My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
