Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
