just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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