he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
