Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Who died my cat blue again?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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