I will die if light touches me.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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