Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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