just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
