so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
