she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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