I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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