If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
