I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
