I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
