someone get that fucking seahorse.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
