found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm like, not good at living.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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