I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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