piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize