apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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