So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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