just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
