the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
