i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
