i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
