Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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