I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize