Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
