I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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