Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
