what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
