Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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