dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just threw up on my dentist
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
