I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
