If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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