I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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