You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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