I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
