I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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