Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Please, let me fuck your mom
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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