Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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