More tranny stories later!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
