I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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