Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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