No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
we should paint friendship bongs
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