Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
