I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
