How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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