Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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