he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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