No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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